Yesterday, Kevin and I had a movie date. I was to go over to his house and we were suppose to watch The Sitter, but due to the lack of availability at Redbox, we rented The Hangover Part 2. After the movie I ate dinner with his family; they are all really nice people. (I see where he gets it from). Then we watched another movie, and by this time it was about 11pm… We knew it was getting late and that it was probably time for me to go home, but we were enjoying each others company too much. :) It kept getting later and later. We figured one of his parents would come down to say it was time for me to go, but they never did. Before we knew it, it was 1am and we both decided to get a little more comfortable, so comfortable we fell asleep. I ended up spending the night…and no questions asked all night. In the morning we woke up wondering if his parents knew I was still there. Haha. They did and his step-mom brought cinnamon rolls down for us.
It was a really nice night. Cuddles. <3
It took place in some sort of bedroom, but it reminded me of a shack. My mom was there… I kicked her out because I wanted to go to sleep in the bed (with an orange blanket). The catch is there way a boy in the bed. I’ve never talked to this kid before though, and I felt like all three of us knew what was going to happen when she left, but that didn’t bother me like I figured it would. It was more of a feeling of ha, I don’t care what you think anymore. This is my life. Nothing happened, we just cuddled.
I’m doing some research about some dreams for my psychology class. I just can’t get over the fact that all my dreams talk about the physical/emotional contact I need from someone. I want a relationship. :’(
Dream from the night of Saturday, March 10th, 2012.
I think I’m giving up.
I just want to do irresponsible things because I don’t care anymore. At least I don’t want to anymore. I’m so tired of never being rewarded for hard work. I’m not getting anywhere. So I shall drive forever, drink, love, and be care free because that’s fun.
But I’m too scared to really do damage to my life…..
I’m unhappy. My life sucks, and it’s not one of those ‘do something about it then’ kind of suck. My parents…suck. Their lives suck. My dad…I guess he gets drunk almost every night, doesn’t work, and doesn’t have a license. I haven’t seen him for a while. My mom…likes to drink, and drive, and complain. Mom makes minimum wage, part time. I live in a basement with my mom. I don’t have a bedroom. I sleep on the couch every night. I do have a vehicle. Imagine that, but it’s a piece of junk. It tends to die when I’m driving or not start, forcing my to floor the gas pedal. Not to mention it sucks gas like no other. I’m pissed at how my life has turned out. My whole life I’ve had faith, knowing it would all be better than this. What the fuck happened? It’s not even fair. Why should I have to live like this because my parents made some poor decisions? I actually wouldn’t even care if I was here right now… So long as I’m in heaven. I. do. not. care. Get me out of this hell.
I hate when I come across a guy at school I think is really good looking. Why? Because I never have the nerve or opportunity to say something to him, so it will never go any further than that, and it really sucks because I’ll never have him or any of them… And knowing I’m probably not good/pretty enough for him anyways.
My love life sucks.
It kind of irritates me when people don’t text you back. I wasn’t done talking to you. Yes, there was more I wanted to say. I just didn’t want to bombard you with a three page text explaining my thoughts all at once.
I had a weird dream last night.
I stole a ring from a store… I’ve never done that before, so I don’t get it. Here’s what DreamForth has to say about it:
To dream that you are stealing implies that there is a deficit or void in some aspect of your life. Pay attention to where you are stealing from. This can suggest what you are lacking. Your ambitions are not being fulfilled. It can also indicate that you are reaching for unrealistic objectives.
Considering it was a ring…from a clothing store, it must deal with the last part, “that you are reaching for unrealistic objectives”. However, it may also be that I’ve been feeling like I’ve lost who I am, doing things I never saw myself doing or thinking. So there’s a, “deficit or void in some aspect of my life”. Something doesn’t feel right. Is that the same thing? Otherwise, I could see how I’m “reaching for unrealistic objectives”.
I’ve been really sad about it all, really. I don’t know how to cope either. I’m trying to stay busy, but then all I want is a break and breaks lead to thoughts and I’m trying to avoid my thoughts. :\
Right now all I want is a guy to mess around with.
I have a hard time believing I’m pretty. I’ve never really been in a relationship, so no one has ever told me they thought I was pretty, or anyone I cared to hear it from. Which in turn brought thoughts of, “how come guys don’t like me,” or “how come I don’t get attention?”. It’s kind of hard.
I think this is part of the reason why I say I’d go along with sexually things because I think if I volunteer, guys will just go with it because they’re getting something, and somehow that means I’m pretty. However, I’ve learned that to not be the case.
On top of that, I’ve become a bit obsessed with my body. I sort of feel maybe I’m unattractive because of my weight or shape.
I don’t know what more to do with myself…
I feel like my head is changing. I’m thinking I’m stronger. Important. Someone. It’s like my self esteem is moving up. I don’t need to hide. I can stand up and be proud of myself.
I don’t know.. I just realized I had this thought, that I can stand out and be comfortable twice now, tonight. :)
I just weighed myself at 149.5lbs … I was 145.5lbs earlier this week. Not happy. I’m ready to go starve myself for a week. I feel gross.